


14x01

by aubrey_writes



Series: Season 14 Codas [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Cas misses Dean, M/M, POV Castiel, Season/Series 14, Season/Series 14 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-12
Updated: 2018-10-12
Packaged: 2019-08-01 03:48:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16277234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aubrey_writes/pseuds/aubrey_writes
Summary: Link to tumblrhttp://sunnycastiel.tumblr.com/post/178984597575/coda-to-14x01Thank you for reading!





	14x01

**Author's Note:**

> Link to tumblr 
> 
> http://sunnycastiel.tumblr.com/post/178984597575/coda-to-14x01
> 
> Thank you for reading!

There isn’t a day that it gets easier.

Every day Castiel wakes up, and there is something missing in his chest. There is a hole there that doesn’t go away. There is a palpable lacking of something that was once there, something that should be there, and it doesn’t get easier. Everyday is a struggle to go on, but he does. He has not broken down yet, and he refuses to do it. Not since Bobby and Mary found him a shell of a man. He won’t let Sam see that side. He won’t let Jack see that side.

But it doesn’t help.

He’s become very good at hiding it. When people ask him how he is, he redirects the question. Sam asks him how he is, and he refers to the demons, because if he talks about Dean, he will crack. There are enough cracks in him already as it is. He refuses to let another one show.

He tells Jack that they will find Dean, that there isn’t a way that they won’t find Dean, because if he doesn’t, he will be consumed by the emptiness in his chest. So instead, he forces hope in there, shoves it in a leaky hole that keeps getting bigger and bigger by the day. The outside of that hole looks patched up, but beneath that exterior, it is digging into his very existence.

He doesn’t even realize that he’s still bloody until Mary mentions it. As he passes her in the hallway, she stops him, puts a hand to his face, a concerned look on her own.

“Is your grace that low?” she questions, and for a moment, Castiel doesn’t know what she’s referring to. How can she see his grace from the outside? And then it hits him.

“Oh,” he says, lifting a hand to the spot she had just been touching, feeling the dried blood there, “no I-” His voice stops. The hole digs deeper into his heart. He swallows around his words, desperately hoping that something comes out, something other than the sob that’s forcing its way up his throat. “I forgot.”

Mary’s concern only grows, her hand reaching out to him again as she speaks, “do you want me to help you?” and he takes a step back. She isn’t the one that needs to do that. Cleaning him up isn’t her job. She looks too much like him. Her soft features and concerned eyes, the blond hair framing her face, soul shining brightly. The resemblance makes Castiel tremble.

“No, don’t,” he says quietly, wanting to turn away, but feeling as if his feet are weighted down with lead. He feels horrifically human, and he wishes that he could just shut it off. “It’s.. it was..”

“Dean,” she says simply, no question in her voice, “he did it before.”

The words are stuck in his throat. Instead, he just nods.

“Well, I’ve heard he and I are very similar,” she says gently, and this time Castiel can’t protest. The hole is starting to eat outward. It’s starting to break the paper wall hiding it. Instead, he lets her grab his hand, lead him to the bathroom, and clean his face.

Her hands are softer than his. They’re smaller. But if Castiel closes his eyes, he can pretend, for just one moment, that he is there.

But the emptiness still persists.


End file.
